We’re halfway through the (initial) 21-day lockdown and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. I know that A LOT has been said about Covid-19 and how to best manage lockdown, but my heart is not settled on this topic just yet, so bear with me as I process my thoughts…
I’ve been feeling incredibly conflicted and confused: uneasy, unsure, and anxious, yet hopeful and excited about the changes that are taking place across the globe because of Covid-19. I feel pressure to not let this major, once-in-a-lifetime event to go by without making the most of it. But what does that look like? Should that be performance-based in terms of productivity? How important is what I sow into my kids over time? I’m not great at navigating the unknown – we all are.
On the work front, I am concerned about income because my upcoming projects were cancelled, put on hold or clients are unable to pay me because their own cash flow is problematic at this time. I’m struggling to find new business because marketing budgets are frozen and many companies are battling to pay their own employees, let alone hire an external resource such as myself. I’m finding it hard to balance the feeling that I need to be DOING more to try find an income VS being OK to use the spare time to do other things that are good for me and my family. Can I fully trust that it will all be OK and that we’ll make it through somehow?
On the kids front, I desire to be the kind of mom who does creative activities with her kids, comes up with clever games to keep them stimulated and teaches them well. But if I’m honest, I actually just don’t have the mental, physical or emotional capacity for that. While I am being mindful of keeping things balanced and allowing time for free play, structured play, baking and gardening, chores, learning time and screen time (yes, they do watch TV and play video games – judge me if you will), I’m not being super strict or intentional about it. I mean, they are still learning and child-led play is important, so I think that’s OK? That said, I realise that I’m missing out on wonderful opportunities to expose them to more and make lockdown exciting for them. Ugh, I’m torn. Am I just being lazy and making excuses?
On the home front, there are a great many cupboards that need to be sorted, furniture that needs to be restored and a garage that needs serious attention. I just don’t feel like doing it. Any of it. I’m spending most of my time doing general housework (cleaning, laundry, dishes etc), making food and snacks, “managing” the boys and spending some time with them, doing admin, and fitting in some time for me – for exercise, hobbies and rest. The making time for me thing is a biggie… I know how important self-care is but I can’t help but feel guilty every time. I feel like I’m being selfish and that the time should could be better spent on the kids or getting to the long list of things that need to be done around the house. Is it just me, or can you relate?
On the socio-economic front, I feel deep concern for those who are not fortunate to live in a comfortable, safe house, those who have no income, those who are lonely at the best of times. Those whose desperation and hopelessness may want to tempt them into suicide over the months to come. BUT more is being done for the poor and vulnerable than I’ve experienced before and that gives me hope! The homeless are being looked after in shelters, food and groceries are being provided for those who need it, kindness and generosity are replacing segregation and judgement. The playing fields are being levelled a bit and that’s good, as hard as it is.
On the faith front, lockdown has definitely provided opportunity to get closer to God and I’m very grateful for that. I usually tend to get caught up in the busyness of my days and lose focus and connection, so the change in pace and rhythm is very welcome. More than anything, I’ve had to dig deep to try cancel out the immense Coronavirus-induced fear that I was feeling and actively choose to believe that God’s got this! We’ve been speaking about the concept of the Sabbath quite a bit this year in our church circles and as a family. It’s a principal that was put in place for good reason – we need rest, we need connection, we need to take time out to shift our gaze. But how do you realistically fit that in between the kids parties, work commitments, housework and social time that usually fills our weekends? I’d say that this lockdown period has “forced” the Sabbath concept to an extent and I believe it’s something that we’ll prioritise post-lockdown.
So what’s my conclusion???
Here’s what I do know… I want to use lockdown as an opportunity to re-evaluate our lives. To look at what’s important. To declutter and unbusy our schedules. To truly find what anchors us. To consider the outlook of our lives – that which is in our control vs that which isn’t…
Other than that, I want to [insert not only] stay sane [insert but grow in maturity] and make sure that our family is happy and looked after. I’ll count anything that I manage to achieve over and above that as a bonus. And that will just have to be [insert is] enough!